Ok, so I have to do this... I need to go on a extremely strict diet. There is only 1 benefit to this, I deprive my body of iodine which in turn can find cancer - so YEAH for that! Now on to the other fun side effects such as; no weight loss, no feeling like I cleansed my body of toxins, which means I can't eat anything but what I'd find in the produce isle and oh by the way I don't know how to cook from scratch so this is loads of fun for me. Especially as I'm glued to a recipe I can't read because my brain seems to sucked up all of the smog from Los Angeles and is using it as a halo that hangs eerily around my eyes floating around in my brain. All while stopping my pills that essentially give me energy and run my metabolism. Which translates to literally gaining weight (10 pounds last time) on only celery and carrot sticks alone for longer than 14 days, a feeling like I haven't slept in 3 days while operating an oven and more than 7 ingredients at a time with an active toddler at my heels who squeaks with excitement at every easy meal I forgo stuffing my happy toddler with a large amount of processed snacks he hands me from the cupboard...
Guilty and tired, I try combat these frustrations. So, I've developed an idea that is going to make me slap silly rich (Lol, dream with me) and it really makes me feel better to laugh. This probably isn't funny in reality and I most likely won't think so once I can think normally again, but right now, I find it absolutly hysterical. Here goes nothing, here is my grand idea, it's simply: T-Shirts with unique titles for the "Happy" dieter (lots of drums, gongs and chimes here........someday the Internet may catch up to my ingenious ideas). Here's the grand titles you've been on the edge of your seat for:
1. WARNING...I BITE ....and there may be some chewing and swallowing involved..no worries though..I'll spit you out... because I'm dieting.
2. If you can read this...........................your too close
3. Don't ask me how my t-shirt tastes,....I'm still chewing
4. Dreaming of Food, Wake me at your own risk
5. "I'm Loving It" chimes on T.V. (The screen fills up with evil food) Screen spontaneously
"SHATTERS", leaving zero images..never mind my missing shoe. Music blares on...I proudly
sing "I like it this way."
6. New and Improved Dieter Repellent....sudeo name: Veggie Spray
7. Glued to a marathon of movies, tryed to become an obsessive fan of "Veggie" Tales, which backfired and ended in chocolate. Desperate and hoping to become a member of Veggies Anonymous, with an obsession that they call a problem.
8. D.I.E.T. Didn't intentionally eat things
9. Desperate, Insane, Eater, Thwarted
10. Wanted: FOOD Rewards: Irrationally Negotiable
11. Day 1 of Dieting: x&*%$*#*!
Day 50 of Dieting: x&x%$#*#$%&*!
Weight lost: 0 Weight found: 50 extra lbs in stress and muscle mass
12. STOP: DROP and ROLL me a burrito
13. Diet: Deranged Irrational Fear of Food
(Still waiting to develop this problem)
Smile, You're not alone in this mad food craze disease called a diet....
DIET..........................Intentional....Unintentional....Self Inflicted Human Torture in the 20th Century
Ok, LOL It's out of my system. If your reading this I hope you cracked a smile = ) I feel much better now... sorry for my rant
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