The "C" Word
"Cat!" That's what I hear all day long. Jackson found this terrifying animatronic T-Rex and fell immediately in love with it, naming it "Cat." All day long he says "Cat." Almost everyone who has met "Big C" is astonished that he loves something so terrifying!
I on the other hand have my own "C" word that popped up and explained so much of how I've been feeling over this past year, though I much prefer Jackson's "C" word to my own. My "C" word is Cancer. Just the word Cancer use to scare me, if I had learned that I had had it more than a year ago, I might have been terrified, but just like Jackson's Cat, it has been an oddity that has awakened me in my life for the better although the look of it is quite scary. It has explained so much about the extreme fatigue, sore throats and other symptoms. Because of this I now notice details of things I use to over look, I cherish the good I see and I feel so wrapped in love. Someone online once wrote about their continuous battle with the "C" word, they said that they had never felt so loved in their life, and it's true. Not that I believe people should be out looking for cancer, lol, but there is definitely a lemonade side to the lemon and that is what I try to focus on.
When I reflect upon this year I can't help but notice the way we have practically moved into the hospital and made several temporary homes. The three of us have had to take our journey to separate places, as we have had many temporary homes his past year. From our beloved home in Casa Grande, to Jackson and Andrew going back to the home Andrew grew up in for a month and for myself it was moving back home to Buckeye for a month, back to the hospital room I spent a week in, and the year before staying in the hospital for about a week for Jackson's delivery and more recently the brief stay for Jackson and his surgery.
The funny thing is, I'd never been in a hospital before delivering Jackson unless it was to visit family and friends and often I was afraid of the general idea of going to the hospital for myself, much less the needles and the "going under" part. I have since learned that it's not that bad. Once you I got pregnant with Jackson I quickly got use to all of the pricking and needles, as for the hospital part it just comes with being there I guess. Looking back I remember clearly being rolled into surgery and in the last minute I asked the two doctors when they were going to nock me out, they smiled and I barely heard them say "soon" when I blacked out (apparently it is customary to ask all patients to move voluntarily from their bed to the operating table, but I can't remember moving over at all). For me the experience was just like falling asleep. I woke up calm and felt good aside from a brief nausea period, but fortunately I was prepared for that as well as I experienced 9 months of it. I no longer fear the idea of hospitals, and have since learned how to be comfortable in that situation, and that anesthesia can be a dear friend when your in pain, although I'd much rather not have to be in a hospital at all. All in all, it wasn't that bad except for the temporary separation from Jackson and Andrew and that time was irreplaceable.
The Radiation. Such a scary word for such a small pill. I'd read stories that gave me visions of people in space suits using medal utensils to administer radiation pills. It was actually quite the contrary. I found that it was a room full of medical staff just casually talking to me about all sorts of things and a small coffee-like thermos which casually sat on the counter encasing the pill. Mid-conversation one opened the thermos and tipped it over into a foam cup, with a small plop, that tiny pill fell into it. I took the pill and my mom and staff left to the doorway a few feet away casually talking to me while they waited, one pulled out a McDonald's colored scanning tool that he said was getting readings from the radiation I had just swallowed and was now emitting into the room. The weirdest thing is that I felt no different, if I hadn't known any better and it was just like all of the other pills except I could set off major security alarms if I traveled different states due to the radiation I'd absorbed for the cancer. I'd read an expert that I found amusing and helped me to look at this part of the cancer process from a completely different view point. It was about another who'd taken the radiation pill for cancer, she wrote that she'd ran home, turned out the lights in her bathroom, stood in front of her mirror, and waited. She then stated that she was disappointed because she didn't glow in the dark. I took the lesson to hart, what a humorous thought in a dark hour, what would the world be like without humor and seeing the glass 1/2 full instead of half empty, she obviously saw it 1/2 full and didn't take it to seriously.
Hours later and a trip back home, I found I was extremely tired. I had sore salivary glands and was sucking on sour candies constantly in hopes of keeping them in check;lkju]
. I was however excited at the prospect of being able to eat real food again (3 weeks of foods without hardly any salt - mainly fruits and veggies and 0 pills to help give me energy to replace my thyroid,) so I was glad to return to my pills and food again. The hardest part of the radiation was definitely being away from my baby and husband, this was a whole month I wouldn't be able to be near them, and that was horrible, but I knew I was protecting them the longer I stayed away from Jackson the better it was for his safety. This was really the one and only thing I really struggled with, but I was so very blessed to have pictures, videos and lots of phone conversations with them.
I was showered with love from all of my family back home. I was given sweet cards from aunts and cousins, grandparents and gifts from friends with inspirational quotes and sweet gifts, meals and constant phone call as well as anything I ever wanted to eat. My room was a plastic bubble, but a beautiful one at that. It was full of tons of props that were inspirational, lots of photos, posters, quotes and comfortable sweet touches. My Dad, Mom, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins and Aunts had really out-done themselves in decorating and giving me gifts. I enjoyed spending time with my parents and seeing my family again. I also had lots of phone calls from Andrews family with well wishes and words of hope and inspiration. I'm grateful to them too for taking such good care of Jackson and Andrew for me and for making this time easier for them as well.
Andrew has been a rock. He's got my vote for Father of the year, as he's had to take on so much. I remember a state of the radiation when I could see him but I wasn't safe enough to be around Jackson (the doctor explained it as if I was still giving off the amount of radiation that an airplane flight would receive from the sun. I called him up and told him I was down to flying status (safe for adults) and wanted to go out. His mom was gone that day and I had arranged it so that Jackson would be watched by people in my hometown, Andrew had a lot to do in order to go, and realized quickly how tired he was and declined -often how I feel after a full mommy day. He truly knows what it takes to be great dad, and has such a great relationship with Jackson. Andrew's easily Jackson's favorite friend to wrestle with and to play ball with, and Jackson's truly daddy's little buddy. Andrew has kept me focused on what comes next and kept me from zooming in on the details and loosing focus of the pieces I've been so blessed to have. Each day brings new trials, but the show must go on, and so it does and he's right there with me plowing through each day and hoping for the best, thank you dear. I love you!
Memories of the past year
Jackson has come so far, he truly enjoyed being with Andrew's family and with Daddy. He's had fun spending time with them, playing and taking long walks to see the animals that are in my In-laws neighborhood, and he loves loves loves the rides on their Polaris. While he stayed with them during my hospital/Buckeye stays is about the time when he really started to say the word "Cat." My in-laws own the cat that started Jackson's fascination with the word. Since then all dinosaurs and animals are now considered "Cat" too. Even the giant rottweiler that belongs to his uncle in Buckeye is known simply as "Cat." As my dad said in response to Jackson's indifferent "Cat" remark after Jackson stole a simple glance in the giant dogs direction, "I wouldn't want to be a burglar when that 'Cat' comes around the corner." and frankly neither would I, but as scary or big as these so called "Cats" are Jackson doesn't even flinch when he sees one.
Another favorite word of Jackson's is "ball," I have since learned that this word has many many meanings. It stands for anything that is round, bright, bounces, oval or fun. He loves to play soccer. Ever since he was able to walk he has kicked a ball around the house, following it and kicking it until it disappears under a couch or around a corner and then he is on the hunt to retrieve it. He enjoys playing out side, he prefers being outside and roaming around with his wagon or riding a trike, or just kicking a ball back and forth. I was recently shopping and Jackson in his excitement stopped to point out something that I had obviously missed. From the view of the shopping cart he pointed to the Walmart ceiling saying "ball" I looked up expecting to see pure white space, but instead see signs hanging in a oval pattern aligning the roof resembling a circular shape, I smiled, he's very observant and often lets me know when I've missed something.
Jackson loves other kids. He loves to play with them. He laughs and laughs and laughs, and talks to random kids bigger or smaller that we pass in stores or church. One day while at the store he made friends with an 8 year old who really took to Jackson. Jackson had dropped a toy he was playing with and the kid reached up and gave it back, talking back and forth for a while. Later that day I ran into them again and he told his mom all about his new friend Jackson. Jackson makes friends everywhere he goes. He just loves playing with others, and thinks hide and go seek is the best game ever and often hides in his pop-up tent waiting for us to find him and holler "boo."
"No." This is a more recent word that unfortunately has come directly from me. I have watched myself be repeated in several manners, there is "NO!" in a often panic tone, typically befalling some sort of dangerous curiosity he has stumbled upon and is about to act on. Then there is the matter-of-fact simple "No" that indicates a choice "yes or no, do you want this?" There is the "Nooooooooooooo" the slow motion mouthed "no" that has developed out of being a distance away and the foresight of him about to toss a random object into the air or going after glass and then there is the questioning "no?" which is me observing him eyeing something he knows he shouldn't get into or be doing. All of these and much more is part of his varied versions of "No" he has archived and reused to suit his needs. I watched the other day as he replayed it on his unsuspecting cousin. She was simply investigating one of the toys he was playing with. With a scrunched up face, red cheeks and tight fists, he turned and let loose his, "No, No, No, No's" on her, she froze, took one long look at him and ran in fear to the nearest adult, he turned and promptly played with his toy content that it was not being bothered anymore. I find it interesting how much kids repeat, and how much they teach us about how much we have to work on ourselves and they do it in a way that we can so clearly see.
The sweetest times. Jackson loves to give love pats, he will give you a great big bear hug and then reach over and tap your back. One of his first hugs he ever gave us was a pat on the back kind of hug. He often gives stranger and family alike the pat hugs and always knows when someone is in need of one. When I ask him to give me a kiss, he looks at me as if to say "kisses are not such a boy thing mom" and says it with a simple smirk and a "no" but when I least expect it, I get a wide mouthed kiss on the cheek or an Eskimo kiss on the nose with lots of laughter spilling out of him. All day long it's "Daddy this, or Da Da that" which to him means fun, Dad is full of fun, playing ball or taking him to run errands but at night, when he's really tired, he wants "Mommy." He crawls up on my lap with a bottle in hand and drifts off to sleep, it's super sweet.
Jackson's Belly Button. Jackson loves buttons, he loves to push them and to show me them. He often gets out remotes for the TV or video game and brings them to me, then he sits there mimicking Dad, and presses them in random sequence staring at the random TV show that is on. Some times he gets lucky and hits a button that will actually change the screen to which he squeals with delight at his accomplishment. He found another button that he will always keep. He loves to show people his belly button. He smiles, lifts his shirt and points to it, falling over himself in fits of laughter then repeats the process. We often accompany his laughter with our own and the saga continues for minutes on end.
One day while at church Jackson came upon two girls about his own age. He tried to get them to play with him, and tried to interact with him, but to no avail they were too busy playing with something else. Out of desperation and idea hit him and the next thing I know he walked right up to them and up his shirt went, and he pointed and laughed at his belly button in hopes of triggering a reaction but they wouldn't oblige and ignored is attempts continuing in play, this bothered him, so he did it several more times, I'm sure he was thinking that if it worked on his parents it surely would work on them and he refused to give it up.
"Buddy." We often have many nick-names for Jackson, one of which is buddy. Jackson has taken this name and given it to things he likes. One day while he was playing with a toy and he fell down and got a little upset with it. I picked him up and he pointed to his toy and said in as super sad voice identifying the culprit that hurt him by a sad little sigh and whimper then the word "buuuuddddy." Now I often find him telling his toys "no no" and pointing a stern finger at them.
Jackson loves belly buttons so much that one day while Andrew was laying down on the floor trying to take a nap, Jackson discovered his belly button and the belly button war was invented. They rolled around and ran around the house chasing each other and pushing belly buttons. A few days later, while I was at the store pushing a cart that held Jackson I must have been deemed and easy target as my waistline was directly in his sights. Little hands met my shirt and began to tug it up, horrified I looked down to discover a smiling Jackson trying to push my belly button and I had to laugh.
"Ank Ew" or "Thank you," is another of Jackson's new words. If he wants something he will say "Thank you" or if he was given something he wanted. He often says it at random times, when you would least expect it, an up-beat "ank ew" rings out with a smile.
Elmo & Cookie Monster & Cars.
Jackson loves slippers. The first ones he got were resembling a race-car from the movie cars. He zipped them around the house saying "Brmmm" and when they were on him he would reach down and grab them marveling that they some how had swallowed up his feet. He quickly learned were his feet are and what the sock meant, often handing me his socks and holding up one foot at a time for me to put them and then his slippers on. Elmo and Cookie Monster slippers came next, with the googly eyes and big faces, he often tried to feed them crackers or grab at their eyes. It made a super cute sight to see him all dressed up in one of his play pajamas (Construction worker, Superman, Batman, Buzzlightyear and Woody) and slippers.
"Brmmm." Out of nowhere one day I heard it. I looked an saw Jackson pushing a car along the floor making the sound of a car. He loves cars, he loves steering wheels, and anything with tires makes the "Brmmm" noises, including trains to him. He will get on a tricycle and say "brmmm." One day my mom and I were browsing a thrift store for fun and I came across a child size three-wheelers. Jackson's eyes lit up and he had to have it and for $10 I couldn't resist. While in his stroller he leaned over (hand and hart glued to the handlebars of this three-wheeler) he would gradually help me push up to our check-out line until it was his. Once at home Andrew got it all ready for him and in the backyard it went. Jackson sat right on it and pushed the button that made it go, and off he went, strait into the wall (thankfully its not that fast and ended in a small bump). Apparently steering is going to be a new trick for him, but he to this day loves all things that go "Brmmm."
HOLIDAYS
Christmas is my favorite time of the year, next to Halloween and Easter. Jackson this year loved both Halloween and Christmas. We went to our ward party (we are primary teachers so we thought it would be fun to dress up) where Andrew (dressed as a construction worker) and I (dressed as a witch) took turns taking Jackson around to the different cars. Jackson dressed up as Buzz-Light year and would reach for the candy people passed out from large buckets in spite of the mad rush from other kids coming and going he wormed his way in and reached saying "Mmmm". He was so cute in his little outfit with his little bucket, he was one of the smallest trick or treaters walking the grounds that night, but he sure made up for it in the stash he collected.Christmas was a blast. We went and did our version of caroling which is different in the fact that we go Kazooing. Jackson was bundled up in an over sized coat, that came down to his knees and a scarf, that came down to his ankles. He often rode in the Polaris on Granny's lap or wobbled along the roadside holding hands of anyone that would take him and the minute the doors flew open and the kazoos rang out he was on a mission strait for the front door. He would scamper up at full speed to the open door in attempt to get inside, often we'd grab him just in the nick-of-time before he would try to sneak past the listeners who were gazing out into the darkness fixated on the kazooers. He was definitely not shy nor a stranger and thought that everyone was welcoming him specifically in. Others saw him coming from a mile away and stole chuckles as he wobbled up their long driveways and up to their doors. Many offered to let him come in, which drew me back to the thought of the Christmas story, but unlike in that great story, something told me that my son was not taking 'no' for an answer and was waltzing in welcome or not.
JACKSON'S SURGERY 1/10/11
Jackson's surgery. Jackson's doctor told us that we needed to schedule a surgery and the sooner the better. I was already worried sick because of his lymphocyte high blood cell count, and then this. It was scheduled for December, we quickly realized what a nightmare that would be for all, I called the doctor and got the ok to reschedule in January. Two days before surgery we had another surprise, we took Jackson to visit my family, he had a blast, but as he was playing with his cousin both kids heard their Grandma from the other room calling to them and they got super excited, in his excitement he started to run, tripped and chipped his front tooth on a step that he landed on square in the face an unfortunate accident. Poor kid, he's just had a tough year and it was just beginning. This is is 2nd chipped tooth, he had chipped his bottom front tooth as an infant.
Then the day of his surgery arrived. That day was an early one. We woke up Jackson at 4:30 and put him in the truck. He groggily awoke and looked around a quiet yet excited "WOW" fell from his lips, that's when Andrew and I realized that he thought he was actually going to get to go to work with his Daddy. Jackson has a hard time when Andrew leaves for work, some days he runs to the door and cry or try to open it, others he sighs and waves bye. Today he thought he was getting to go with him. We arrived at the hospital and found a kids room complete with toys and all. He loved it and was on cloud 9, with 0 food in his belly he was purely running on joy alone as he believed this is where dad goes every day. We met with the doctor and changed him into a gown designed for a much smaller kid. Their were plastic cars with a wagon like handle for parents to push their little ones around while they waited for surgery. Jackson loved it, as the doctor was talking to me about all of the risks and situations, Jackson would fly by the clear window and flash big smiles at me as he wheeled along in his fun new ride.
Jackson loves to push. He loves to push everything. He quickly grew sick of riding and wanted to push the car, but the direction he would push would lead strait to many menacing medical tools and glass windows that made me cringe so one fit later and the removal of the handle of the car led us to pushing a table against the door and letting him push it around the room.
The doctor came again and explained that he would need a spinal block like an epidural or a c-section that would temporarily paralyze him from the waist down. I froze, I had no idea this was going to be such an in depth surgery, I was told it was super simple procedure, in and out sort of thing. There would be 2 incisions and their could be a possible hernia operation (again something I didn't know prior). It was great that my dad came to wait with us and the nurse, a bubbly warm person who was full of smiles, said to call her "Sugar" last name on the tag was Young, came in smiling wearing a blue scrub outfit and took him from us. He screamed, he was getting to the point when he was hungry, confused and really scared. I watched helplessly as they walked away from us, thankfully Jackson calmed down when I wasn't in view, but I could vaguely see him disappear around the corner.
It was an agonizing hour, the doctor for the kid who was after us came and went. Then our Doctor came. He said everything went well but that they did have to fix a hernia in the process and then left. Another nurse came to out to get us commenting that he was the cutest kid she had seen. A few minutes later she brought him groggily up to us, commenting on how heavy he is. Jackson woke with a start, began screaming and wouldn't stop. He didn't want his bottle or sippy cup or us, and he kept arching his back and wailing as if in deep pain. I must have been a mess, one of the older men in blue scrubs noticed and came over and tried to reassure me that it was a normal response. Poor kid, couldn't feel his legs, his hand was wrapped cupped in medical tape and he had a purple bump from where they had tried to put an IV into his arm. Every time the older one stepped into the room to offer sweet advice the screaming got worse, it was plain Jackson didn't want anyone in scrubs near him. As we left the mothers in the waiting room looked on in horror, at our screaming boy. Once in the car we were able to give him juice and graham crackers all the way home.
When we got home he crashed and woke-up determined to walk, still numb from the anaesthesia he wasn't able to but he sure was determined, he would roll or try to crawl, he would give it all he got to try. He wasn't going to let this get him, he was a fighter, a warrior and going to beat this. A few hours later he was up and all around the house 110% of pure boy again but the incisions were long and in creases where muscles would be so I knew there would be pain when the medication wore off. That night I fell apart, It's one thing for it to be you going in for surgery but it's another when it's your kid. Fist thing that next morning Andrew got Jackson and put him in bed with us with a bottle, I was awaken with a giant kiss on the nose from Jackson and that made all the difference. Several of Jackson's favorite episodes of Blues Clues and pancakes were definitely in order that next day and for days that follow.
I'm so grateful for Jackson and for his joyous spirit. He's my little warrior, full of determination, inspiration and love and he's not afraid of much nor is he afraid of telling it like it is. I'm amazed at how he views the world, how sweet he is, how much he openly loves everyone, and how often he reminds me to be better. This has been one great and horrible year, but he and Andrew amongst all of the sweet family members in our lives have especially made it especially great. Thank you, for your support, love and help over during this time in our lives.
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